I locked myself out of my apartment.
And in doing so broke through my depression.
Well, I locked myself out of my apartment today.
Instead of driving the 90 minute - 2 hour roundtrip rush hour drive to Austin for a chiropractor appointment, and squeezing in a visit with a friend before rushing home for a 7 pm zoom call, meal prep, and executive assistant computer work, I have been sitting in my backyard.
Thank God.
Prior to locking myself out, my day was packed with things I felt like I needed to do, but really didn’t want to do.
(Well, I wanted to see my friend, but in a leisurely visit, not in a rushed visit sandwiched in-between to-do list items).
What I wanted to do today was sit in my yard and write. Ta-da!
I also wanted to feel supported by a holistic health care professional as I try to make sense of my body and depressive emotions this week.
While I’m sure the chiropractor would have offered explanations and support, through getting locked out I got to catch up with my former mentor turned friend who is a trained Osteopath.
She reminded me that my weekend bout of depression (first time I’ve felt depressed in probably a year) was “a normal physiological response” to recent triggers and stressors in my life.
She reminded me that my body knows what it needs. I can trust my body. And any health practitioner I work with should bring me back to a place of trusting my body’s innate power to heal itself and support that innate process.
As we chatted I felt my depressive fog clear away, and was present with a shaky anxiety deep within my body where trust in myself and my body had been broken by my weekend depression and the chiropractic news that my spine needs some help.
After we talked I got to work in my journal, healing that broken trust in myself and my body. Reminding myself I can trust my body, to keep moving slowly, to have self-compassion when I need to move slower and say no to things.
I still feel a little shaky. I know my body wants support from trained practitioners to ensure it’s being well taken care of. But I also know I can trust myself.
The beautiful thing I find in these bouts of depression or insecurity is that it illuminates where something was broken, and then I get to rebuild whatever was broken to make it stronger, more functional, and more flexible than it was before.
So, for today, the relief from a 3-4 day bout of depression and insecurity was found not in rushing to a doctor’s appointment, but instead in surrendering to having locked myself out of my apartment.
As always, relief comes from slowing down and just being with myself.
Thank God.
I could elaborate more but I think I’ll keep it short and sweet today.
Sometimes plans being ruined is just what we need.
With Love,
Ellen
Ps. JK. There’s more to this story.
Later in the day, as I walked home from picking up my spare key, I felt a familiar glow return to me.
Earlier in the day (before locking myself out) I told a friend “normally for me everything sparkles with gratitude and beauty, but with this depressive fog there is no sparkle. I miss that sparkle and feeling of deep appreciation for my life.”
On my walk home this evening, everything sparkled. Finally :)
That deep gratitude and appreciation returned as I marveled at new small details on my familiar block. The cascading roots of a tree. A tiny bright green caterpillar inching over the sidewalk crack. The Texas evening sun glowing through the trees.
Once home, I was greeted by a belated birthday package from my dear “Best Friend Sister.” In it was a beautiful card with a note that brought tears to my eyes. The gift was a sketch of Alice entering a looming Wonderland.
As I stare at this image now I feel excitement over Alice’s seemingly ominous unknown…What wonders and sparkles lie within and beyond that dark unknown portal? What whispers of wisdom do those gnarly branched trees hold?
These last few days (maybe even weeks) of dark dullness have not been fun. Getting locked out of my apartment today was not ideal. But I know new wonders and sparkles always come in through the cracks of these shadowy times.
And, like Alice, I always make it out. Evermore present to the magic and wonders within, and outside of, myself.
The end. For real this time :)
You managed to deal with the "dark dullness" beautifully. 👏